This One Thing I Do

In his book, One BIG Thing, author Phil Cooke examines the proposition that we are all born for a purpose (not a mind-blowing thought, I know) but discovering that purpose and our passion can be a lifelong pursuit. Cook asks this question: ‘What could you be the best in the world at doing?’ It’s a question that young children would probably answer without equivocation but it’s a question that seems to become more difficult to answer as we age, as we come to expect too much or too little of ourselves. We don’t have to be the best at anything, of course, far better to do our best, but I love the question, anyway. It’s a big question. I think, as parents of emerging adults it deserves careful attention. But how do we probe our children towards seeking purpose?

‘All big things come from small beginnings,’ says James Clear, author of Atomic Habits. He would say that the seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision. Of course, habits, beneficial habits, are the actions that lead us towards our goals. If we dig deep into the recesses of our own childhood, most of us could select a moment or moments that were pivotal in directing our course … perhaps our course towards the one BIG thing we have achieved. Sometimes those moments appear accidental, unaligned with the future, but become significant in the clarity of retrospect. It is why the words we choose matter so much. The casual remark of a parent, the carefully crafted feedback offered by a teacher, or a piece of reinforcement by a coach or a music teacher can be a turning point, a direction-setter. Words have weight – we must be careful how we use them.

Working in a school allows us to witness the evolution of many students ‘one big thing’, or to hear of success long after they have left the tartan behind. So often the puzzle pieces segue together – and when we hear of a girl’s career choice, her service to her community, or sporting success, or musical accolade we nod in unison and make comments like – ‘that makes sense’ or ‘of course she has.’ Often, we see the future with a greater sense of clarity than the student themselves. Thus, the question begs, what is the role for parents in supporting our children to find their passion? Your role is huge, of course. You are and remain your child’s greatest teacher. From you they learn consciously and unconsciously about risk-taking, determination, perseverance and those underpinning skills that make big things, or valuable achievements more likely to occur. They learn habits from you. Habits are the base for who we become, rather than what we achieve. ‘The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity’ (Clear, 2018). Yet, Clear reminds that ‘the task of breaking a bad habit is like uprooting a powerful oak within us [whilst] the task of building a good habit is like cultivating a delicate flower, one day at a time.’

Building new habits often involves confronting our own fear of change, or perhaps fear of failure. In writing of questions that parents can ask their children when prompting them to address fear of new challenges, Paul Smith (2014) suggests these:

• Name something you’d like to do now but have been scared to try. How can I help you with that?
• Can you think of something some people are just naturally good at without having to learn and practice?
• How long do you think it takes people to get good at something new, like learning an instrument or playing a new sport?
• Is there anything that used to be difficult or a little scary for you that’s now much easier?

These are great questions. They do leave our default interrogations behind, you know, those quick statements that fall from our mouths before our thinking brain has caught up:

• Why don’t you just have a go?
• Everyone else out there is trying, why don’t you?
• Surely it can’t be that hard…

Finding purpose and strength rarely occurs as an epiphany, it emerges in pieces that need to be drawn together. Yes, we are all born for a purpose. For some, that purpose appears with greater clarity than for others. Often it is elusive, out of reach or invisible and that’s because we often tie our purpose to Cooke’s (2012) ‘One BIG Thing’ and default to seeking the extrinsic rather than the intrinsic and believe in the need to achieve something unique. What if our one BIG thing is something less conspicuous and relates more specifically to who we become rather than what we achieve? What if it begins instead with the establishment of good habits, which, in the much-oft quoted words of philosopher Lao Tzu, will become our character, and thus determine our destiny.

‘Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.’

Let us choose the words we use with our children carefully, for words have weight and impact and matter a great deal. After all, ‘all big things come from small beginnings.’ May this [the choosing of words] be the one thing I do … and do, well.

Dr Linda Evans | Principal 

References

Clear, J. (2018). ‘Atomic habits: tiny changes, remarkable results : an easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones.’ New York : Avery.

Smith, P. (2015). ‘ Parenting with a Story: real-life lessons in character for parents and children to share.’ AMACOM, New York, USA.