Showing Up
When my daughter was twenty-one, she began her teaching career at an Autism specialty school in Brixton, London. She would ring – often for advice, for debriefing, for re-setting – the school she was at was classified as being in Special Measures – it was being inspected most weeks by OFSTED and was close to closure.
The staff had to make big changes to practice to get the school functioning again. To do so was tough. Redirecting our habits and practices is tough. Sometimes she would ring and describe her day – a chair thrown across the room, desks thrown out of windows, students exploding with frustration. Vastly different from Fairholme. But my advice to her – as it is to all - was this:
Show up. Keep showing up.
When we show up, even when it’s hard we learn a lot about ourselves and others. The kids at her school in Brixton, London – needed teachers to show up, they needed people to notice them, they needed interest, care, attention. Basic needs for us all. They needed to know that they mattered.
Mattering is a fresh take on its noun cousin – matter and has a psychological science behind it too. Mattering is, according to Dr Flett, a York University professor and author of the text – “The Psychology of Mattering,” a core, universal human need. It runs more deeply than purpose, or connection or belonging – it runs to being “missed by people in your group if you aren’t there.”
In the bliss of Olympic watching, I have been struck over and over again, by the value of family in the success of athletes: their mattering. I watched Ariarne Titmus’ family breathe through every stroke in her 400-metre final, and delighted when Jess Fox, having blitzed the canoe slalom K1 final, paid tribute to her family.
On her helmet are the words – “Ma petite est comme l’eau, elle est comme l’eau vive,” translating to “My little girl is like the water, she’s like the white water.” These words belong to a song her Papi (grandfather) sang to her as a small child.In some ways, singing her into her future.
Those words have weight for her, they are mattering words. Jess’ father, also an Olympian said something to the effect of, “I’m proud of her achievement but most of all, I’m proud of who she is as a person.” These are ultimately the things that matter most: family, connection, purpose, belief. The things we say, do, our actions and our reactions as parents, matter.
Yet, we parent on the run, don’t we. In the midst of the pace and chaos of life we are setting the tone, the tenor and the trajectory of our children’s lives. Our responses – each and all become the frame and filter of their worldview.
We often hear that the first 1000 days of parenting are the most formative, foundational - get them wrong and we have missed the moment. Every 1000 days of our children’s lives, matter – even when they enter their thirties, as mine have.
Hopefully, we have the privilege of parenting our children long into their futures and that we continue to show up for them, because in that example, we are enabling them to do the same.
In effect, we are engaging in the process of mattering. Show me your friends, show me your family – and I will have a glimpse into
your future because I will have a sense of what matters to you.
Perhaps, a little like Jess Fox’s Papi who sang her into a love of white water, every step we take as parents, every word we speak, every action we undertake is about demonstrating mattering.
Even in those tough moments, those hard conversations and those testing times we need to show up. We need to keep showing
up. When we do, what a wonderful example we are etching in our children’s character.
Show up. Keep showing up.
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